Immediate CPR For Parents
Parents who have lost a child face an immediate crisis and likely have no idea where to turn or what to do. There are a few things that should be communicated with a bewildered parent to help them get through their horrible first week that I call Immediate CPR for Parent's HeartsMore...
Major Decisions
If you have just lost a child, your heart is spinning, falling and tumbling. You have lost a huge part of your center, your desire and your will. Your decision making is and will be hugely different than it has previously been because you care very little about anything else other than being with your child. Therefore, it is important that you recognize that you are not in the frame of mind to make big decisionsMore...
You Are Not Alone
Unfortunately, others have been on this sad, sad road ahead of you, and you are not alone in this terrible experience. Perhaps the experiences of others could help you bear the incalculable burden you now bear.
Early on in my own steps in this canyon of grief, I realized that I was learning things in the process; profound things. To ensure that the things that I was learning stayed with me long enough to be able to build a foundation upon, I started to write them down. Over time I realized that together, the things that were of comfort and solace to me, might similarly be as helpful to others.
Eventually I built my notes into paragraphs and then chapters. What resulted was a book that I call You Won't Cry Forever. More...
Read Now From the Book
Your Goal
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Just Get Through This One Day M T W T F S S « Yesterday Tomorrow » x x x x x x 7 x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
"I Lost My Child"
MIRROR IMAGES
Chapter 2 (from: You Won't Cry Forever)
A situation such as we find ourselves in today obviously demands our attention. As never before, we are faced with examining not just our child's life, or our own, or our family's, but life itself. Perhaps this is a venture that has never sparked much of an interest in our hearts, but now we see that it is timely, if not long overdue.
It really is nothing less than, "OK, God, You have my attention..." Might I add that not only is this a good aspect of this tragedy, but it is within this scope wherein our hope truly lies. For outside of life being designed by a Designer, cared for by a Caretaker, and overseen by an Overseer, our situation remains nothing short of one of total despair.
So consider with me, this mile or two, that there is a living God; that He really is Who He says He is, that His Word is true indeed, that He is a loving Creator and Caretaker, and that the passing of our children does not fall outside His ability to intervene. Most of all, consider that if these things are true, IT'S NOT OVER!!
I know that last statement got your attention because I know that the thing that is primarily on your mind is to be with your son or daughter again. I also know that you would do anything to see him or her again, that that is all that matters to you now. Be encouraged, we are going to deal with those aspects in great length and great detail.
We will also be looking at a few things that you likely have not heard before, even if God is a regular part of your daily life, which will give you powerful reasons to have hope. These things are exciting and will likely change the way you think, the way you view the world, and will help you to better understand something of the nature of your child's present situation! But let me start at the very beginning.
Within 24 hours of my son's sudden and unexpected death, I found myself staring at the night sky, right into the eyes, so to speak, of my Heavenly Father. My gaze was direct; never more serious; never more grave. There was no blinking.
Eventually, a conversation started out. It went something like this: "OK, God, you've got my son; you've got my attention..." I peered out at Him, figuratively speaking, from the hollowness of my heart and stood like granite, in resolved silence for a very, very long time. The unspoken but desperate cry of my heart, my soul and my situation stood open before His eyes and His own heart.
After a while, I realized that He might answer to me, "Son, I know what you are feeling. I, too, have lost a Son." I thought about that. I let it sink in to see if there was a place in my broken soul for such a claim. And then I realized that that was really true. He indeed does know the cry of such a parent, the agony of such a loss. He Himself has experienced the same sorrow!
Therefore, I learned that God the Father has Himself been down this trail in this deep canyon that I am in. He has walked through this grief. He has known the pain and sadness. He has traversed this ground with His own footsteps. He is a member of this terrible canyon club.
Could it be that He could be an Advocate for me on this path, a Companion, a Guide and a Comforter? I thought He qualified, for He was indeed familiar with this route. So I decided to let Him lead, comfort and strengthen me through this ordeal. I asked Him to get me through the day, this hour, even this very minute. I knew at that moment the compassionate and understanding Father, Who had lost His own Son, had me in His sight and in His arms. The grief continued, of course, but I knew I was not in it alone. This was of great comfort!
A day or so later, after terrible episodes of tremendous grief that I am sure you also know, I found myself again looking heavenward into the starlit night sky. I thought, if I love my own son as much as I do, and God loves me as a son even more, how deep was His love for me!
Would He then comfort me as I would comfort my own son? Would He then meet my needs as I would, and gladly did, meet the needs of my own son? Would He then abide with me as I desired to abide with my son? I learned that I was no longer a father, but I was a son whose heavenly Father desired to be as much of a father to me as I desired to be to my own son.
And then I realized in my own desire to be reunited with my separated son, how much the heavenly Father must desire to be reunited with all of His own children! How it must agonize and grieve Him to be separated from the ones He created and loves, and who ignore His love and His heart day after day!
Oh, what terrible sons and daughters we have been to a longing and loving Father! My own incredible longing to be with my son and the pain I felt at being separated from him surely is compounded a million times over in God the Father's own heart!
I felt shame as an apathetic son who ignored his heavenly Father, now that my own heart, a father's heart, knew what it was like to be removed, separated, from the son I love. What an ungrateful son I had been. I asked God to make me at least half the son to Him that my own son was to me, for my boy was a terrific and very special human being.
As you already know, the grief one feels at the loss of a child comes in waves. It is like the tide of the ocean. If it quiets for while, you think it might have passed. But then, not long afterwards, it comes flooding in again with all the power and emotion as ever, overflowing your capacity to control it. It towers over you and you are small and helpless in its mass.
About five days after my original understanding of God's qualifications as a grieving parent, my own grief led me back to the starry sky. I approached God and said that, yes, I realized that He knew what it was like to lose a son. I knew that He knew that I understood that. "BUT," I added, "You got Your Son BACK after three days! MINE didn't COME back!" I mean it wasn't that I was complaining; I was just saying...
And for awhile, for a day or two, I thought I had something on God. I thought that He may indeed not know what I was going through, exactly.
Then a few days later, as I was tossing up that same proposition to Him, I realized that He might say to me, "Yes, I did get my Son back after three days. BUT, I watched MY Son as He was beaten, tortured, and was crucified, and then My Son bore the sins of the entire world." I gulped at that thought.
Ya, He had me there. My own son was not abused like that and he did not bear the sins of the world. OK, God. So, You still qualify at having blazed this trail of parental suffering I am on.
Message received.